Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
