Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
