Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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