I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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