I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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