it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
