you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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