mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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