I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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