I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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