Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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