My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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