he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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