I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
