I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
