I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
