went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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