youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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