Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i think im in europe. pls send help
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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