Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
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A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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