do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
