you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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