you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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