You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
