You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
