How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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