I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
