I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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