I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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