I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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