I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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