I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
