Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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