I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
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I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
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I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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