I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well you can't waste a boner
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
