I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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