Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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