I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
