I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
