strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
