At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
