The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
