I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
