You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
