So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you had me at cake vodka
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
