im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
