my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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