im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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