if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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