If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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