I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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