morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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