Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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