Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
