I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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