you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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