I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
