I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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