I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You made out with two different species that night
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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